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Xi27

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◆ The Xi-27 Woodland Satire Series ◆

CHAPTER FOUR

LOYALTY CAMP

— A Xi-27 Woodland Satire Chapter —

"Where Loyalty Grows Like Bamboo! (Results May Vary.)"

Script & Storyboard Companion | All-Ages Graphic Novel Edition

✍ A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Dear Reader — welcome back to the woodland. You may remember Chapter Three, in which Panda Xi-27 attempted to hold a Woodland Census and counted the same hedgehog seventeen times. Good news: nobody was harmed. The hedgehog received a commemorative plaque. This chapter is equally ambitious and only slightly more catastrophic. Badges are involved. You have been warned. Settle in, and please, do not attempt the Loyalty Salute at home.

Illustrated companion text. Fictional universe. No actual pandas, badgers, or dung beetles were directed to form salutes during production.

★ Cast of Characters

Returning cast for Chapter Four. New readers welcome. Previous trauma not required.

Character

Description

Running Gag

PANDA XI-27

Camp Director

Earnest, rotund, perpetually optimistic. Wears a sash of entirely self-awarded medals that clinks impressively when he walks. Carries a beloved clipboard assembled from bamboo and string. Speaks exclusively in motivational slogans. Has never, not once, noticed when something has gone wrong. Believes everything is going extremely right at all times.

His clipboard dramatically explodes — papers everywhere — at the single worst possible moment of every sequence.

BRAMBLE

Attendee / Reluctant Sage

A veteran badger of indeterminate but impressive age. Reading glasses perpetually balanced on the very tip of his snout, defying gravity and common sense alike. Has attended every Xi-27 event since the Great Pinecone Referendum of Year Two. Whispers devastatingly accurate observations in what he believes is total silence.

Every whispered remark is heard clearly by the entire assembled woodland. Every time.

FIZZ

Eager Attendee

A squirrel of almost supernatural enthusiasm. Speaks so fast that individual words have been recorded at the camp as a form of percussion. Has brought seventeen notebooks to Loyalty Camp and is genuinely concerned this may not be enough. Desperately wants every badge ever made, including ones she suspects don't exist yet.

Always earns the badge she wants — but for a completely unrelated and baffling reason.

COLONEL HOOT

Self-Appointed Senior Attendee

A large, magnificently pompous owl who has never, in living woodland memory, admitted to being wrong about anything. Left his reading glasses at home before camp and refuses to acknowledge this. Carries the Official Loyalty Handbook with tremendous authority. Has not successfully read a single word in it.

Confidently reads the wrong document aloud every single time he consults the handbook.

DEPUTY DUNG

Official Camp Recorder

A small but furiously diligent dung beetle who serves as Xi-27's devoted deputy and official chronicler. Takes notes at astonishing speed using a pencil that is, at all times, slightly too large for him. His dedication to record-keeping is absolute. His accuracy is zero.

His official written record of every event describes something that did not happen, in glowing terms.

MIDGE & PODGE

Twin Attendees

Twin moles, absolutely identical in every measurable way. Even they occasionally seem uncertain which one is which, though they maintain this is a philosophical position rather than a practical problem. Arrive at events as a single unit where possible. Have been exploiting their interchangeability since approximately birth.

They swap identities mid-drill to avoid doing the parts they dislike. Nobody has ever caught them doing this.

LADY FERRET

Distinguished Guest (Reluctant)

An aristocratic ferret of exquisite refinement who is attending Loyalty Camp solely because she lost a wager with a hedgehog in Chapter Two. Has brought her own monogrammed deck chair, a personal reading lamp, a selection of herbal teas, and a legal notepad. Participates in nothing. Is technically in full compliance at all times.

Locates a footnote or fine-print loophole that makes her technically compliant without doing anything whatsoever.

THE LOYALTY METER

Official Instrument

A towering, rickety contraption of bamboo poles, garden twine, painted wooden arrows, and misplaced ambition. Supposedly measures the collective loyalty of the woodland. Xi-27 built it himself over a fortnight and speaks of it with great reverence. It was, as Lady Ferret will later discover, originally designed for an entirely different purpose.

The needle always points to "DANGEROUSLY LOW" regardless of any input, mood, or effort.

SEQUENCE 1 — “WELCOME TO CAMP EVERMORE LOYAL”

► SETTING: A forest clearing at golden morning light. A banner strung between two oaks reads "CAMP EVERMORE LOYAL — WHERE LOYALTY GROWS LIKE BAMBOO!" One end of the banner has come loose and droops gently toward the ground. Xi-27 stands on an upturned log, chest puffed magnificently, sash gleaming, clipboard held aloft.

▶ Panel 1 — WIDE ESTABLISHING SHOT

[The clearing is bathed in warm morning light. Dew still clings to the grass. A podium-log stands at the centre. The banner droops. Below it, chairs have been arranged in uneven rows. The Loyalty Meter looms at the back, covered in a canvas tarp. Xi-27 stands above all of it, beaming with the confidence of someone who has never experienced doubt.]

▸ Narrator Caption

It was the first morning of Loyalty Camp, and the woodland smelled of pine, dew, and freshly applied motivational optimism. Panda Xi-27 had been awake since before sunrise. This was not unusual. What was unusual was that he had been rehearsing his speech to a family of bewildered mushrooms since 4am.

▶ Panel 2 — MEDIUM SHOT ON XI-27

[Xi-27 raises both paws. His sash catches the sun. At least fourteen of his medals appear to have been made from bottle caps. He does not notice this.]

PANDA XI-27: "Friends! Colleagues! Loyal hearts of the woodland! Welcome — WELCOME — to Camp Evermore Loyal, where we shall grow in loyalty together, as bamboo grows upward — persistently, enthusiastically, and without asking permission!"

PANDA XI-27: "Remember our motto: A loyal heart is worth a thousand acorns! Together we stand, together we… also stand, but more loyally! And as I always say — loyalty is not a place you visit. It is a place you live. Also it is a camp. This camp. Right here. You are already winning!"

▶ Panel 3 — CROWD SHOT

[The assembled woodland animals look up at Xi-27. Bramble sits in the front row, glasses dangling from his snout, face entirely expressionless. He leans slightly toward the rabbit sitting beside him and speaks in what he believes is a whisper.]

BRAMBLE [whispering, heard perfectly by all forty-seven animals in attendance]: "This bamboo smells like ambition and despair."

XI-27 [not missing a beat]: "Brother Bramble opens with a poetic reflection! Wonderful! The spirit of camp is already alive!"

▶ Panel 4 — ARRIVAL MONTAGE

[Animals arrive in a cheerful procession. Each one approaches the registration desk — a slightly lopsided folding table manned by Deputy Dung, who is already scribbling furiously.]

▸ Narrator Caption

The animals of the woodland had received their Loyalty Camp invitations (printed on recycled bark, because Xi-27 believed this "demonstrated loyalty to trees"). They had been asked to bring: one bamboo sprig, one enthusiasm, and appropriate footwear. They had brought other things.

FIZZ arrives dragging a cart loaded with seventeen colour-coded notebooks, six spare pencils, a printed copy of every Xi-27 slogan ever recorded, and a badge display board she constructed herself over the weekend. [She is vibrating slightly with anticipation.]
COLONEL HOOT sweeps in carrying an ornate perch draped with a banner reading "OFFICIAL THINKING CHAIR." He sets it up at the end of the front row and settles onto it with authority. He is squinting very hard at everything. His glasses are clearly not present.
MIDGE & PODGE arrive as a single unit. They are sharing an extremely large coat with two sets of feet visible at the bottom. They sign the registration sheet as "MIDGE-AND-PODGE (ONE ENTITY, FOR ADMINISTRATIVE PURPOSES)." Deputy Dung records them as "ONE VERY WIDE MOLE."
LADY FERRET is carried in on her monogrammed deck chair by two very tired badger porters she has apparently hired privately. She is already reading something on her legal notepad. She does not look up.

▶ Panel 5 — THE LOYALTY METER UNVEILING

[Xi-27 strides to the back of the clearing, where the enormous canvas-covered Loyalty Meter stands. He grasps the canvas with both paws. His eyes are shining with emotion. He pulls the canvas away with a dramatic flourish.]

PANDA XI-27: "Behold! The Loyalty Meter! Calibrated by my own paws over fourteen nights! She reads the very loyalty in your hearts and reflects it back to us — a mirror of our collective spirit!"

▶ Panel 6 — THE METER REACTS

[The Loyalty Meter is revealed in all its glory: a towering assemblage of bamboo struts, coloured twine, a painted dial the size of a cartwheel, and a large wooden needle. The dial is divided into sections: LOYAL, VERY LOYAL, EXTREMELY LOYAL, and — taking up roughly two thirds of the dial — DANGEROUSLY LOW. The needle spins wildly for three full seconds, wobbling and rattling, then settles with a decisive thunk directly on DANGEROUSLY LOW. A small piece of bamboo falls off the top of the meter and lands in the grass.]

BRAMBLE [whispering, again heard by everyone]: "Well. At least it's honest."

PANDA XI-27 [clapping his paws together with delight]: "Magnificent! Do you see? The meter begins at DANGEROUSLY LOW — because we have so much wonderful loyalty still to grow! This is not a warning. This is a PROMISE. An invitation! A loyalty adventure waiting to begin! I could not have scripted this better myself!"

📝 Deputy Dung — Official Camp Record, Entry 1

"ANIMALS ARRIVED IN PERFECT FORMATION. CHEERING HEARD. LOYALTY METER READS EXTREMELY LOYAL — NEEDLE VIBRATING WITH EXCESS OF LOYALTY. XI-27 RECEIVED STANDING OVATION. ALL IS EXCEPTIONALLY WELL. ZERO PIECES OF BAMBOO FELL OFF ANYTHING."

📈 Running Gag Tracker — After Sequence 1

Gag

Count

Clipboard Explosions (Xi-27)

0 [building...]

Bramble Whispers Heard by Everyone

Wrong Document Readings by Colonel Hoot

0 [he's warming up]

Fizz Badges Earned for Wrong Reason

0 [badge tent not yet open]

Deputy Dung Inaccurate Official Records

Lady Ferret Loopholes Found

0 [notepad is ready]

Loyalty Meter Malfunctions

SEQUENCE 2 — “THE BADGE CEREMONY (PART ONE)”

► SETTING: The Badge Distribution Tent. An impressively large canvas tent with a long trestle table displaying the available badges. Xi-27 stands behind the table wearing a special "BADGE PRESENTATION EXPRESSION" — which is the same as his normal expression, but more so.

▸ Narrator Caption

The Badge Distribution Tent was, by universal agreement of the animals who had helped set it up, the most over-organised structure in the history of the woodland. Xi-27 had prepared display stands, a badge index (laminated), individual presentation boxes for each badge (recycled bark, naturally), and a small hand-painted sign explaining the badge philosophy. The sign read: "BADGES ARE LOVE MADE VISIBLE." Bramble had read this and needed a moment.

▶ Panel 1 — BADGE DISPLAY

[The table is laid out with immaculate rows of badges, each on its own small stand with a label beneath it.]

Available Badges — Full Catalogue (as displayed):

LOYAL LISTENER
ENTHUSIASTIC STANDER
EXCELLENT FOLLOWER
BADGE APPRECIATION BADGE
ADVANCED BADGE WEARING
BAMBOO APPRECIATION
PUNCTUAL ARRIVAL
EAGER BEAVER
SALUTE EXCELLENCE
MARCHING DISTINCTION
CHANT PROFICIENCY
CLIPBOARD AWARENESS
OUTSTANDING STANDING

▶ Panel 2 — FIZZ AND THE EAGER BEAVER BADGE

[Fizz has been standing at the front of the queue since before the tent was erected. She spots the "EAGER BEAVER" badge and her eyes become enormous.]

FIZZ [at speed]: "That one! I want that one! EAGER BEAVER! That's me! I've been eager since before this sentence started, I've been writing notes about being eager, I've got seventeen notebooks of eagerness right here, can I have it, I'll wear it right here, I've got a spot picked out, I prepared the spot in advance—"

PANDA XI-27 [picking up the badge with great ceremony]: "The Eager Beaver Badge is awarded to one who approaches all tasks with boundless enthusiasm and the industrious spirit of — "

PANDA XI-27 [pausing, looking at Fizz, looking at badge]: "— a… beaver."

PANDA XI-27 [rallying magnificently]: "But your enthusiasm today has been so vast and so powerfully beaver-adjacent that I am awarding you this badge for EXCEPTIONAL PRE-EMPTIVE EAGERNESS. Which is rarer, and also better."

▸ Narrator Caption

Fizz accepted the badge and pinned it on before Xi-27 had finished the sentence. She then opened Notebook Seven and wrote: "BADGE ACQUIRED: EAGER BEAVER — awarded for being beaver-adjacent. Technically correct. Will investigate beaver adjacency further."

▶ Panel 3 — COLONEL HOOT AND THE HANDBOOK

[Colonel Hoot sweeps forward with the Official Loyalty Handbook tucked under one wing. He holds it at arm's length and squints at it with tremendous, unconvincing authority.]

COLONEL HOOT: "According to the handbook — which I have read thoroughly — it states, quite clearly, that all badges must be worn on the LEFT side of the body, for symmetry, tradition, and the purposes of official woodland dignity."

BRAMBLE [whispering, heard by the tent, the nearby squirrels, and possibly a family of badgers in the next clearing]: "That's the camp laundry instructions. He's reading the bit about sorting darks and lights."

COLONEL HOOT [without missing a beat]: "LEFT side. As stated. I will take no further questions on the matter."

▶ Panel 4 — LADY FERRET'S FOOTNOTE

[Lady Ferret has not moved from her deck chair. She has, however, been reading the badge distribution pamphlet with a magnifying monocle she produces from her coat pocket. She raises one elegant claw.]

LADY FERRET [with perfect composure]: "I direct the assembled company's attention to footnote seventeen, subsection C, printed in six-point text at the base of page four of the badge pamphlet. I quote: 'Badge-wearing protocols may be waived at the discretion of confirmed camp dignitaries.'"

PANDA XI-27: "That is technically… yes. But who would be a — "

LADY FERRET: "I am a dignitary. I have documentation. Good day."

LADY FERRET [returning to her notes without looking up]: "I shall be wearing none of the badges. I find them structurally unsound."

▶ Panel 5 — BRAMBLE'S CLERICAL ERROR

[Deputy Dung has been processing badge orders at enormous speed. He looks up at Bramble, consults his notes, and begins loading badges into Bramble's arms — one after another — until Bramble is holding a considerable stack. Deputy Dung checks a list. Adds three more. Bramble stares into the middle distance.]

DEPUTY DUNG [triumphantly]: "According to my registration records, Attendee Bramble pre-ordered seventeen badges! I am proud to fulfil this order!"

BRAMBLE: "I ordered no badges. I have never wanted a badge. I came here because my nephew filled in the registration form on my behalf as a prank."

DEPUTY DUNG: "Seventeen badges! Pre-ordered! With enthusiasm!"

BRAMBLE [now clanking as he walks]: "I sound like a very small chandelier."

▸ Narrator Caption

Bramble walked away from the badge tent wearing seventeen badges, most of which were upside-down because he hadn't bothered to pin them correctly. He was also, technically, wearing two on his left side, two on his right, and one on the back of his head, because Deputy Dung had placed the last few while Bramble was trying to leave. The clinking could be heard for some distance.

▶ Panel 6 — THE BADGE APPRECIATION BADGE SHORTAGE

[Xi-27 reaches for the stack of BADGE APPRECIATION badges. The stand is empty. He checks under the table. He checks behind the stand. He looks at Fizz, who is wearing all twelve of them in a neat diagonal row across her chest, plus the display stand itself, which she has somehow attached to her shoulder as a bonus badge holder.]

PANDA XI-27: "The Badge Appreciation Badges appear to have… found their home."

FIZZ: "I appreciate them all individually and also as a collection. I've named them. This one is Gerald."

📝 Deputy Dung — Official Camp Record, Entry 2

"BADGE CEREMONY COMPLETED WITH TOTAL PRECISION. ALL ANIMALS RECEIVED EXACTLY THE CORRECT NUMBER OF BADGES. LADY FERRET RECEIVED MANY BADGES AND WAS DELIGHTED. COLONEL HOOT READ FROM HANDBOOK WITH FLAWLESS ACCURACY. ZERO CLERICAL ERRORS OF ANY KIND."

📈 Running Gag Tracker — After Sequence 2

Gag

Count

Clipboard Explosions (Xi-27)

0 [clipboard: ominously intact]

Bramble Whispers Heard by Everyone

Wrong Document Readings by Colonel Hoot

Fizz Badges Earned for Wrong Reason

Deputy Dung Inaccurate Official Records

Lady Ferret Loopholes Found

Loyalty Meter Malfunctions

SEQUENCE 3 — “THE LOYALTY DRILLS (A DISASTER IN FOUR PARTS)”

► SETTING: The main clearing. Xi-27 has chalked a formation grid into the grass. He stands at the head of the grid with his clipboard, on which are written the four drills. The clipboard is, at this moment, holding together beautifully. This will not last.

▸ Narrator Caption

The Loyalty Drills, according to the Loyalty Camp Programme, were "the heart of the camp experience — a series of precision exercises designed to align the hearts, minds, and paws of all woodland attendees in a symphony of unified loyalty." According to Bramble, they were "organised chaos with name tags." Both descriptions were correct.

▮ DRILL 1 — THE LOYALTY SALUTE

Objective: All animals hold the Official Loyalty Salute — right paw over heart, left paw holding a bamboo sprig — for a continuous duration of ten minutes.

▶ Panel — SALUTE FORMATION

[The animals assume the salute position. Seventeen bamboo sprigs are raised. Xi-27 surveys the formation with enormous pride. He sets a small bamboo timer.]

▸ Narrator Caption

The first thirty seconds went magnificently. Xi-27 nearly wept with pride. Then things began to drift.

Midge & Podge: Begin the salute in perfect unison. By minute two, one of them (unclear which) has switched arms. By minute four, they appear to have moved their bamboo sprig to a completely different location. By minute seven, they are in different positions within the formation entirely. Nobody can track how this happened.
Bramble: Holds the salute with admirable dignity for approximately forty-five seconds, at which point his ear develops an itch. His salute hand migrates, incrementally and with extraordinary slowness, from his heart to his ear over the next eight minutes, until he is simply scratching his ear with one paw and holding a bamboo sprig in the other. He looks entirely relaxed.
Lady Ferret: Has produced a silk scarf of deep woodland green from her coat. She holds it aloft instead of a bamboo sprig. When questioned, she gestures to the footnote she has already prepared: Footnote Forty-One: "Bamboo sprig may be substituted with any item that 'captures the essential spirit of bamboo' at the attendee's professional discretion."

PANDA XI-27 [beaming at Lady Ferret's scarf]: "Lady Ferret expresses bamboo through fibre arts! A truly elevated loyalty interpretation!"

BRAMBLE [still scratching ear, heard by everyone]: "That scarf costs more than this entire camp."

▮ DRILL 2 — THE LOYALTY MARCH

Objective: A precision formation march around the perimeter of Camp Evermore Loyal, led by Colonel Hoot as Senior Attendee.

▶ Panel — THE MARCH BEGINS

[Colonel Hoot takes the head of the formation. He consults the Loyalty Handbook for the march route. He squints at it from several distances. He turns it sideways. He turns it upside down. He chooses a direction with tremendous conviction.]

▸ Narrator Caption

The route Colonel Hoot had "read" from the Loyalty Handbook was, in fact, the camp's laundry schedule, which he was using as a map. The laundry schedule directed garments to be sorted, soaked, and then conveyed to the drying area — which, on Colonel Hoot's internal map, corresponded to the camp's compost heap at the far edge of the clearing.

COLONEL HOOT [marching with total authority, heading directly toward the compost heap]: "Formation! Forward! The handbook specifies we proceed NORTH-BY-NORTH-EAST toward the designated assembly landmark! Eyes forward! Do not deviate!"

FIZZ [marching, head down, scribbling in Notebook Three]: "Is the landmark supposed to smell like that?"

COLONEL HOOT: "That is the smell of DESTINATION."

▶ Panel — XI-27 RESPONDS TO THE COMPOST HEAP

[The formation arrives at the compost heap. Sixteen animals stand in front of it. A very old cabbage sits at the top. Xi-27 jogs over from where he was watching, beaming.]

PANDA XI-27: "Excellent! Colonel Hoot has led you on a SCENIC DETOUR OF LOYALTY — a reminder that sometimes the journey takes us to unexpected places! And unexpected places make us more loyal! Because we have been somewhere unexpected! Together!"

BRAMBLE [heard by everyone, including the compost heap]: "We marched into a pile of rotting vegetables and he's calling it personal growth."

▮ DRILL 3 — THE LOYALTY CHANT

Objective: All animals chant the Official Loyalty Chant — "LOYAL LOYAL LOYAL, WE ARE LOYAL, YES!" — in complete unison for five consecutive minutes.

▶ Panel — THE CHANT BEGINS

[Xi-27 leads the chant with an enthusiastic conductor's paw motion. The Loyalty Meter, visible in the background, begins to vibrate as the sound rises. Its needle remains on DANGEROUSLY LOW but wobbles with what Xi-27 interprets as interest.]

Bramble chants half a beat behind everyone else, creating an exact echo effect. This would be manageable if his echo were slightly quieter. It is not. The effect is of two chants running in close but imperfect parallel, like two clocks ticking almost but not quite together. Several animals near Bramble begin unconsciously matching his tempo. A splinter group forms.
Fizz begins the chant at approximately three times the intended speed. By the second repetition she has lapped the group. By the third, she is chanting something that sounds like "LOYALOYALOYALOYAL-YES-YES-LOYAL-YES" and accelerating. She has a badge in mind for this and it is fuelling her.

▶ Panel — THE METER REACTS

[The Loyalty Meter needle drops from DANGEROUSLY LOW to an area below the dial's lowest marking that Xi-27 had not anticipated needing to label. The chant continues in three different tempos simultaneously. Xi-27 responds by speeding up the official tempo to bridge the gap.]

PANDA XI-27 [waving his conductor arm faster]: "FASTER! Faster loyalty is MORE loyal! The energy of the chant powers the meter! More enthusiasm! LOUDER!"

BRAMBLE [still half a beat behind, heard by everyone]: "Louder and wrong is still just wrong, but louder."

▮ DRILL 4 — THE TRUST EXERCISE

Objective: Each animal falls backward and is caught by their neighbour. A classic trust-building exercise. Xi-27 calls this "the purest expression of loyalty made physical."

▶ Panel — PREPARATIONS

[Animals pair up. Lady Ferret produces a single laminated card from her coat and presents it to her assigned partner — a slightly bewildered hedgehog — before folding her paws and stepping back one pace.]

LADY FERRET [utterly serene]: "I have prepared a written disclaimer, pre-signed by me, noting that I will participate in the trust exercise in a supervisory and witnessing capacity. This is consistent with footnote twenty-two, which covers 'observational loyalty.' I am observing. Loyally."

▸ Narrator Caption

Midge and Podge were partnered together, which Xi-27 had thought was ideal. It was less ideal once the exercise began. One of them fell. The other caught them. But during the catching, they appeared to swap positions, so by the end of it nobody was entirely sure who had fallen and who had caught, including Midge and Podge themselves, who consulted each other in urgent whispers and reached no firm conclusion.

▶ Panel — THE CLIPBOARD DETONATES

[Bramble prepares to fall. Deputy Dung is his assigned catcher. Deputy Dung is also, at this exact moment, writing in his notepad. Bramble falls. Deputy Dung lunges. His notepad collides with Xi-27's clipboard, which has been resting on a nearby rock. The clipboard — which has been under bamboo-and-string tension for days — buckles at the spine joint. It does not merely open. It EXPLODES. Every paper Xi-27 has ever clipped to it — schedules, rosters, drill plans, motivational draft slogans, a shopping list, and one very old recipe for bamboo soup — detonates upward in a magnificent vertical column of paper and floats, gently and comprehensively, across the entire clearing. Bramble lands softly on Deputy Dung's notepad, which provides minimal but non-zero cushioning.]

PANDA XI-27 [staring at the paper snow around him, after a long pause]: "...The papers have been LIBERATED. As loyalty must sometimes be."

BRAMBLE [lying on the notepad, not moving, heard by everyone]: "I'm comfortable here. I'll stay."

▶ Panel — THE METER AFTER ALL FOUR DRILLS

[The Loyalty Meter. The needle is now pointing at DANGEROUSLY LOW — but has slid a further two centimetres past it, into an area of the dial that is simply unpainted wood. Xi-27 studies this with his head tilted, then straightens, smiles, and marks something on his (now rebuilt from spare papers) clipboard.]

PANDA XI-27: "The meter has progressed into NEW TERRITORY. Uncharted loyalty space. This is TREMENDOUS PROGRESS. We are beyond the map! I will paint more dial tonight!"

📝 Deputy Dung — Official Camp Record, Entries 3-6

"LOYALTY SALUTE: PERFECT UNISON. TEN MINUTES. NO ARMS DEVIATED. BAMBOO SPRIGS UNIVERSALLY PRESENT. // LOYALTY MARCH: DIRECT AND SCENIC ROUTE ACHIEVED SIMULTANEOUSLY. COLONEL HOOT CONSULTED HANDBOOK. ACCURATE NAVIGATION. // LOYALTY CHANT: BEAUTIFUL HARMONIES. METER NEEDLE EXCEEDED MAXIMUM LOYALTY CAPACITY. // TRUST EXERCISE: ALL ANIMALS CAUGHT CORRECTLY. CLIPBOARD PERFORMED PLANNED CELEBRATORY PAPER RELEASE. XI-27 BRILLIANT."

📈 Running Gag Tracker — After Sequence 3

Gag

Count

Clipboard Explosions (Xi-27)

1 🎉

Bramble Whispers Heard by Everyone

Wrong Document Readings by Colonel Hoot

Fizz Badges Earned for Wrong Reason

Deputy Dung Inaccurate Official Records

Lady Ferret Loopholes Found

Loyalty Meter Malfunctions

SEQUENCE 4 — “THE TALENT SHOW OF LOYALTY”

► SETTING: The Main Clearing, evening. A small raised platform has been assembled from crates and a plank. A banner reads "LOYALTY TALENT SHOWCASE — YOUR HEART IS THE STAGE." Xi-27 serves as both host and audience-enthusiasm-coordinator. Deputy Dung sits at a small desk with his notepad, serving as Official Programme Manager and getting every name wrong from the first moment.

PANDA XI-27: "Friends! The Loyalty Talent Show is your opportunity to demonstrate, through the art of performance, what loyalty lives in your heart! There are no wrong answers. There are only MORE loyal answers! Deputy Dung — the programme, please!"

DEPUTY DUNG [consulting his notes]: "First: FIZZ THE SQUIRREL, performing 'A Recitation of Great Loyalty.' Also written here as 'Frizz the Squirrel' and, lower down, 'The Fast Nut.'"

Act 1 — Fizz: Speed Recitation

▶ Panel — FIZZ TAKES THE STAGE

[Fizz bounds onto the platform, opens a small green book, clears her throat, and recites the entire contents of it in exactly 4.7 seconds. The words are distinguishable only as a warm, fast blur of syllables. She closes the book, looks up, and beams.]

PANDA XI-27 [shooting to his feet, applauding vigorously]: "MAGNIFICENT! The whole handbook! In one breath! The loyalty of a thousand forests, delivered at SPEED — which is the loyalty of efficiency!"

BRAMBLE [squinting, whispering, heard by everyone including the trees at the treeline]: "That was a camping supply catalogue. I can see the cover from here. It says 'TENTS AND OUTDOOR COOKING EQUIPMENT, THIRD EDITION.'"

FIZZ [cheerfully]: "I did wonder why there was a whole chapter on portable stoves. I assumed it was metaphorical!"

▸ Narrator Caption

Fizz received the SPEED RECITATION EXCELLENCE badge, which she earned by reciting a camping catalogue in 4.7 seconds. She was absolutely fine with this and pinned it on immediately.

Act 2 — Colonel Hoot: Dramatic Reading of the Camp Anthem

▶ Panel — COLONEL HOOT AT THE PODIUM

[Colonel Hoot settles magnificently onto the platform. He spreads his wings slightly for gravitas. He raises the Loyalty Handbook — except it isn't the Loyalty Handbook. It is the lunch menu, written on a card and posted on the camp noticeboard this morning. Colonel Hoot does not know this. He performs what follows with the emotional range of a seasoned theatrical veteran.]

COLONEL HOOT [with deep theatrical resonance]: "Today's offering — begins — with a soup. A hearty woodland broth, rich in the leaves of autumn and the warmth of gathered community. It is followed — " [pause for effect] " — by a root vegetable medley. With herbs."

COLONEL HOOT [voice cracking with emotion]: "For pudding: acorn crumble. With cream. IF AVAILABLE."

▶ Panel — THE AUDIENCE REACTION

[The animals are weeping. Not from sadness — from something more complex. The root vegetable medley, delivered with such weight and feeling, has moved them in a way the actual camp anthem never has. Three rabbits are holding each other. A squirrel has produced a handkerchief. Bramble is staring at the sky. His expression could be described as moved, or it could be described as deeply concerned about what this says about them all.]

PANDA XI-27 [barely holding himself together]: "The anthem has never — it has never struck me so deeply. Brother Hoot, you have FOUND something in this text that I — I did not know was there."

COLONEL HOOT [graciously receiving the applause]: "The text rewards close reading."

Act 3 — Midge & Podge: The Disappearing Act

▶ Panel — THE MAGIC TRICK

[Midge and Podge stand on the platform side by side. Midge holds up a small cloth. Podge stands behind it. Midge drops the cloth. Podge is gone. The audience gasps. Midge takes a bow. Podge appears from the opposite side of the platform, walking on from the left, having gone around the back in the four seconds the cloth was raised.]

PANDA XI-27 [astounded, on his feet]: "IMPOSSIBLE! He vanished! He was there and then he was HERE! The loyalty of the magical arts! Extraordinary! How is this done?!"

MIDGE [or possibly Podge]: "A magician never reveals."

PODGE [or possibly Midge]: "We are also not magicians."

BRAMBLE [heard by everyone]: "He walked around the back. You can all see the footprints in the grass. He is standing in them right now."

PANDA XI-27: "Those are LOYALTY FOOTPRINTS. Left by the spirit of the performance."

Act 4 — Lady Ferret: Ambient Loyalty

▶ Panel — LADY FERRET PERFORMS

[Lady Ferret's deck chair has been moved to the platform by the badger porters. She sits in it. She waves one elegant paw slowly, once, in a gentle arc. She stops. She inclines her head very slightly.]

LADY FERRET: "Ambient Loyalty. A performance in stillness. You are welcome."

▶ Panel — AUDIENCE RESPONSE

[The applause that follows is, by some margin, the loudest of the evening. Four animals stand immediately. Two more follow. It becomes a full standing ovation within eight seconds. Lady Ferret inclines her head slightly more. She has prepared for this.]

Act 5 — Bramble: A Minimalist Statement

▶ Panel — BRAMBLE IS CALLED

[Deputy Dung announces "GRUMBLE, performing 'Loyalty In The Key of Badger.'" Bramble rises from his chair with the slow dignity of a very old mountain. He walks to the platform. He faces the audience. He pauses.]

BRAMBLE: "No."

▶ Panel — REACTION

[The standing ovation exceeds Lady Ferret's by a full thirty seconds. Someone starts chanting Bramble's name. Bramble walks off the platform with the same unhurried dignity with which he arrived, sits back down, adjusts his glasses, and says nothing further.]

PANDA XI-27 [voice hushed with admiration]: "Brother Bramble has delivered a MINIMALIST LOYALTY STATEMENT. One word. The most essential word. The word that says: I am here, and I have chosen to be, and that is enough. That is… that is pure loyalty. I may be composing a badge for this as we speak."

▶ Panel — THE LOYALTY METER DURING APPLAUSE

[The applause at the end of the show is loud enough to vibrate the Loyalty Meter's bamboo struts. The needle, which has been stuck at DANGEROUSLY LOW all evening, suddenly spins in a wild, joyful arc — three full rotations — before the spindle pin gives way entirely and the needle pops off the dial and into the grass. The dial now reads nothing because there is no needle. Xi-27 stares at it. His paws rise to his face. His eyes fill with what can only be described as awe.]

PANDA XI-27: "...The needle has transcended the dial. It can no longer be contained within the meter. This is the maximum expression of loyalty the instrument is physically capable of registering. We have done it, friends. We have done the most loyal thing possible."

BRAMBLE [picking the needle out of the grass, heard by everyone]: "The pin fell out. I have the pin. It's a very small pin."

📝 Deputy Dung — Official Camp Record, Entry 7

"TALENT SHOW: FLAWLESS. FRIZZ THE SQUIRREL RECITED COMPLETE LOYALTY HANDBOOK FROM MEMORY. COLONEL HOOT PERFORMED CAMP ANTHEM WITH ORIGINAL MUSIC. MIDGE VANISHED USING ADVANCED LOYALTY MAGIC. LADY FERRET DANCED (EXTENDED). GRUMBLE THE BADGER DELIVERED KEYNOTE ADDRESS. LOYALTY METER UPGRADED ITSELF TO INFINITE LOYALTY. XI-27 WEPT TEARS OF ACHIEVEMENT."

📈 Running Gag Tracker — After Sequence 4

Gag

Count

Clipboard Explosions (Xi-27)

Bramble Whispers Heard by Everyone

Wrong Document Readings by Colonel Hoot

Fizz Badges Earned for Wrong Reason

Deputy Dung Inaccurate Official Records

Lady Ferret Loopholes Found

Loyalty Meter Malfunctions

SEQUENCE 5 — “THE GREAT BADGE SCRAMBLE”

► SETTING: Camp Evermore Loyal, deep night. All animals are asleep in their tents. The badge table remains set up, unguarded, in the open air — because Xi-27 felt that "badges are not afraid of the night." A wind arrives at approximately 2am. It is not a large wind. It is, however, precisely the right size to be a badge wind.

▸ Narrator Caption

The wind came from the north-west, which is where winds tend to come from in the woodland when they have decided to cause a specific type of administrative problem. It lifted every badge from the table in one clean gust, redistributed them with what seemed like genuine editorial intent across the sleeping camp, and was gone in under forty seconds. By morning, every animal wore a badge. None of them were the badges they had earned.

▶ Panel 1 — THE MORNING REVEALS

[Animals emerge from tents one by one, stretching, blinking, and then noticing badges they do not remember pinning.]

XI-27 emerges from his tent wearing the "EXCELLENT FOLLOWER" badge directly over his sash's most prestigious region. He sees it. He reads it carefully. He nods with enormous dignity, as though he chose it himself.
LADY FERRET steps from her tent wearing the "BAMBOO APPRECIATION" badge on the lapel of her coat. She sees it. She freezes. She removes it with two fingers, very slowly, as though it is a live insect. She places it on a flat rock at arm's distance. She addresses it directly: "We will not speak of this."
BRAMBLE wakes up wearing the "ENTHUSIASM AWARD." He lies very still for a moment, then sits up, removes his glasses, cleans them, puts them back on, reads the badge again, and sighs for a long time. He does not remove it. He simply sighs at it occasionally throughout the morning.
COLONEL HOOT has somehow received both "LOYAL LISTENER" and "OUTSTANDING STANDING" — this is technically accurate but he doesn't know that.
FIZZ has woken up with no badges at all, because the wind also took all twenty-three of hers. She is currently running in organised circles trying to collect them from bushes, grass, and one that has inexplicably ended up in a tree.

▶ Panel 2 — XI-27'S RESPONSE

[Xi-27 surveys the camp. Every animal in wrong badges. Lady Ferret staring down a "BAMBOO APPRECIATION" badge. Bramble sighing. Fizz in a bush. He raises his paws.]

PANDA XI-27: "Friends! Do you see what has happened? The badges have CHOSEN YOU. Overnight, by the wisdom of the woodland wind, each badge found its truest home! This is SPONTANEOUS BADGE EVOLUTION! The camp is alive! The loyalty is choosing!"

BRAMBLE [still wearing the Enthusiasm Award, heard by everyone]: "It was wind. Normal wind. The kind that moves objects."

PANDA XI-27: "Brother Bramble poetically describes the nature of loyalty's movement through the world! Wisdom! Pure wisdom!"

▶ Panel 3 — FIZZ EARNS HER BADGE

[Fizz has been sorting and re-collecting badges at tremendous speed. She creates a triage station on the ground, organises badges by type, re-distributes them to the correct animals in under seven minutes, and in doing so earns the spontaneous acknowledgement of Xi-27, who creates a badge on the spot by writing on a spare piece of bark.]

PANDA XI-27 [presenting the bark badge with ceremony]: "FIZZ! By your extraordinary efforts this morning, you have earned the BADGE ADMINISTRATION EXCELLENCE award — a new badge, created this instant! Wear it with — "

▶ Panel 4 — THE WIND RETURNS

[A small but extremely targeted gust of wind removes the bark badge from Fizz's paw at the exact moment Xi-27 finishes the sentence "Wear it with—" and carries it neatly into the treeline. A leaf falls where it was. Silence.]

FIZZ [after a pause, already opening a notebook]: "I'm writing it down. It counts."

📝 Deputy Dung — Official Camp Record, Entry 8

"OVERNIGHT: BADGES DISTRIBUTED PERFECTLY BY XI-27 PERSONALLY, IN THE NIGHT, AS A GIFT. ZERO WIND. COMPLETE CALM. FIZZ RECEIVED AND RETAINED BADGE ADMINISTRATION EXCELLENCE AWARD PERMANENTLY. LADY FERRET EXPRESSED GRATITUDE FOR BAMBOO APPRECIATION BADGE THROUGH SILENCE (TRADITIONAL). XI-27 BRILLIANT. CLIPBOARD REMAINS INTACT."

📈 Running Gag Tracker — After Sequence 5

Gag

Count

Clipboard Explosions (Xi-27)

Bramble Whispers Heard by Everyone

Wrong Document Readings by Colonel Hoot

Fizz Badges Earned for Wrong Reason

Deputy Dung Inaccurate Official Records

Lady Ferret Loopholes Found

Loyalty Meter Malfunctions

SEQUENCE 6 — “THE LOYALTY METER REPAIR (AND ITS CONSEQUENCES)”

► SETTING: Morning, beside the Loyalty Meter. Xi-27 has rolled up the sleeves of his sash — or would have, if sashes had sleeves. He stands before the meter with the look of someone who has identified a problem and is extremely confident about solving it, despite never having solved a problem of this kind before.

▸ Narrator Caption

Xi-27's repair philosophy was straightforward: more bamboo, tighter string, and what he called "motivational vibrations" — a low, sustained hum directed at the malfunctioning component. He had used this technique on three camp structures already. Two of them had, admittedly, fallen down. He chose not to factor this into his confidence.

▶ Panel 1 — THE REPAIR MONTAGE

[A rapid sequence of repair panels — Xi-27 tightening a bolt (the bolt falls off), adding extra bamboo cross-struts (the meter leans further), humming at the dial mechanism (the needle spins in a tight circle before settling back to DANGEROUSLY LOW), adding more string (the string immediately tangles in the existing string, creating a complex knot he cannot identify).]

▶ Panel 2 — DEPUTY DUNG'S TOOL BAG

[Deputy Dung stands beside the meter with a canvas bag stencilled "DEFINITELY REPAIR TOOLS." Xi-27 extends his paw without looking.]

PANDA XI-27: "Wrench, please."

DEPUTY DUNG [handing over, with confidence]: "Wrench!"

▸ Narrator Caption

Xi-27 tightened three bolts with the spatula before noticing it was a spatula. He said nothing. He used it for a fourth bolt. Deputy Dung subsequently passed him, in sequence: a woollen sock (Xi-27 used it to wipe the dial, which did help slightly), three acorns (Xi-27 placed one in each of the meter's primary joints, which is not how joints work), and a small flag reading "CAMP EVERMORE LOYAL" on a six-inch stick (Xi-27 attached this to the top of the meter as a finial, and stepped back to admire it, and in that moment genuinely felt the repair was going well).

▶ Panel 3 — THE METER IS "FIXED"

[Xi-27 steps back. He has replaced the needle pin with a small twig and re-attached the needle. The meter is reassembled. He gives it an experimental tap. The needle swings — and lands on MEDIUM. He taps it again. MEDIUM. He gives it a vigorous shake. MEDIUM. He hums at it. MEDIUM. The needle appears to be physically incapable of reading anything else.]

PANDA XI-27 [a long, reverent pause]: "...MEDIUM."

PANDA XI-27: "Not DANGEROUSLY LOW. Not merely LOYAL. MEDIUM. Do you understand what MEDIUM means? It means we are exactly in the centre of the loyalty journey. We are at the precise midpoint between where we began and where we are going. The meter has recognised our growth and locked it in. This is the PINNACLE of calibrated loyalty."

BRAMBLE [heard by everyone, including, by this point, an owl in a tree forty metres away]: "It literally cannot read anything else now. The twig is wedged. I watched him put the twig in."

PANDA XI-27 [serenely]: "Brother Bramble expresses his awe in technical terms. Touching."

▶ Panel 4 — LADY FERRET'S DISCOVERY

[Lady Ferret, who has been reading the Loyalty Meter's original instruction manual — which she found pressed flat inside her deck chair when she unfolded it — raises her paw with the leisurely authority of someone about to say something extremely interesting.]

LADY FERRET: "I have been reading the Loyalty Meter's original operating documentation. It is written in quite small text, but I have my monocle. I note, for the record, that on page one — the very first page — it states: 'This instrument is designed and calibrated for the accurate measurement of SOUP TEMPERATURE, in the range of lukewarm to very hot. Do not use for other purposes.'"

▶ Panel 5 — XI-27'S RESPONSE

[Xi-27 stares at the Loyalty Meter for a very long time. His paws are folded over his sash. His sash medals catch the sunlight and send small discs of reflected light across the grass. A bird calls in the distance. Finally, Xi-27 turns to the assembled animals with a look of absolute and unshakeable certainty.]

PANDA XI-27: "From this moment forward, this instrument — built with my paws, maintained with my heart, and now calibrated to the eternal MEDIUM of our collective spirit — shall be known, officially, as THE LOYALTY SOUP OF UNITY. For loyalty, like soup, warms from within. For loyalty, like soup, is best shared. For loyalty, like soup, should never be measured in anger. Henceforth."

▸ Narrator Caption

Nobody questioned this. Partly because it was somewhat poetic. Partly because Deputy Dung was already writing it down as official policy. And partly because Bramble had opened his mouth, thought better of it, and simply adjusted his glasses instead, which was his version of a standing ovation.

📝 Deputy Dung — Official Camp Record, Entry 9

"LOYALTY METER REPAIRED USING ADVANCED TOOLS. READING NOW SHOWS MAXIMUM LOYALTY (RECORDED AS 'MEDIUM' FOR MODESTY). RE-CHRISTENED 'LOYALTY SOUP OF UNITY' BY XI-27 IN INSPIRED CEREMONY. LADY FERRET PROVIDED SUPPORTIVE TECHNICAL DOCUMENTATION. BRAMBLE APPLAUDED. NEEDLE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TWIG. THIS IS NORMAL."

📈 Running Gag Tracker — After Sequence 6

Gag

Count

Clipboard Explosions (Xi-27)

Bramble Whispers Heard by Everyone

Wrong Document Readings by Colonel Hoot

Fizz Badges Earned for Wrong Reason

Deputy Dung Inaccurate Official Records

Lady Ferret Loopholes Found

Loyalty Meter Malfunctions

SEQUENCE 7 — “CLOSING CEREMONY & GRADUATION”

► SETTING: The main clearing, late afternoon. The sun is golden. Xi-27 has arranged chairs facing a small podium and a diploma distribution table. A new banner has been strung between the oaks (tightly this time, with extra knots): "YOU ARE ALL CERTIFIED! IN SOMETHING! CONGRATULATIONS!" Deputy Dung sits behind a large stack of printed diplomas, each one slightly crooked from the printer bamboo-roll running at an angle.

▸ Narrator Caption

The Closing Ceremony of Camp Evermore Loyal had been planned by Xi-27 in seventeen stages, each more ceremonial than the last. He had written a speech. He had revised the speech. He had decorated the speech with small bamboo motifs in the margins. The speech was, by any measure, too long. Xi-27 did not know this. He would not have agreed if told.

▶ Panel 1 — XI-27'S CLOSING SPEECH

[Xi-27 takes the podium. He is, by some achievement, wearing even more medals than when the camp began. Two of them appear to be new and appear to be bottle caps from lunch. He begins.]

PANDA XI-27: "Friends! We came to this clearing as woodland animals. We leave it as LOYAL woodland animals — which is the same thing, but more so, and with badges! What have we learned? We have learned that loyalty is not a finish line — it is a beginning! But also an ending! And a middle! In fact, loyalty is all three. Loyalty is, in conclusion, a journey. But also a destination. And also — and I cannot stress this enough — it is a snack. Not literally. Or perhaps literally. I have given this some thought and I believe bamboo is the loyalty snack. Please eat bamboo."

PANDA XI-27: "We stand here today — and by standing here, you are demonstrating loyalty — and we say: we were here. We stood. We chanted. We marched toward a compost heap together, because some journeys are like that, and those are the journeys you remember. I remember them. I have written them down. Deputy Dung has also written them down, in his own way, and his way is also valid."

BRAMBLE [quietly, heard by the entire closing ceremony and possibly a passing cloud]: "His way is entirely fictional."

PANDA XI-27: "Brother Bramble with the final poetry. Apt. Profound. Thank you."

Diploma Distribution

▶ Panel 2 — THE DIPLOMAS

[Deputy Dung begins handing out diplomas from the stack. Each diploma is a rolled piece of paper tied with a bamboo-green ribbon. Each one, as it is unrolled by its recipient, reveals the same text.]

CAMP EVERMORE LOYAL

This certifies that the bearer is hereby declared:

CERTIFIABLY SOMETHING

[Signed: Panda Xi-27, Director. Co-signed: Deputy Dung, who meant to write "Certified Loyal" and is sorry.]

FIZZ [reading hers at high speed]: "Certifiably Something! That is the most accurate description of me I have ever received. I love it. I'm framing it."

BRAMBLE [reading his, heard by everyone]: "Well. It's not wrong."

Special Graduation Moments

FIZZ receives her diploma, her twenty-three earned badges, and two additional badges she invented herself ("NOTICING THINGS QUICKLY" and "NOTEBOOK LOYALTY"). Xi-27 accepts both without question. She is also given a special commendation ribbon, which she immediately adds to Notebook Eight under the tab "COMMENDATIONS — ONGOING."
COLONEL HOOT is invited to read the Graduation Poem. He strides to the podium, opens the document provided, and squints at it from a distance of about forty centimetres. He begins reading with extraordinary feeling. It is the camp lost-and-found list. "One grey boot — unmatched — left near the badge tent — waiting, as we all wait — for its partner. One bamboo water flask, initials unknown — a mystery, and also a flask, and isn't that what we all are — " A rabbit in the third row starts crying. Two others join in. Bramble stares at the sky for a very long time.
MIDGE & PODGE receive a single diploma between them because Deputy Dung filed them under one registration. They examine it together. One of them takes it. The other shrugs. They are both fine with this arrangement, which is the most Midge-and-Podge response possible.
LADY FERRET's diploma is, by the time it reaches her, hand-calligraphed on fine cream parchment in deep green ink, tied with a velvet ribbon, and placed inside a small leather case. She accepts it, opens it, examines the calligraphy with her monocle, gives a single satisfied nod, and places it in her bag. She brought this parchment from home, as a precaution. She had expected a worse diploma. She is marginally satisfied. This is, for Lady Ferret, high praise.

▶ Panel 3 — BRAMBLE'S AWARD

[Xi-27 produces one final award from behind the podium — a larger, hand-decorated piece of bark with painted bamboo leaves around the border. He presents it with great ceremony.]

PANDA XI-27: "Finally — the MOST DISTINGUISHED ATTENDEE award. This award is given to the animal whose presence at camp was most unmistakably felt. Whose voice carried furthest. Whose commentary was most reliably and unfailingly heard by all those present. Brother BRAMBLE — this award is yours."

BRAMBLE [accepting the award, examining it over his glasses, heard by everyone including potentially the next county]: "I complained the most, is what he means. I received an award for complaining."

PANDA XI-27: "The most distinguished commentary! Given freely and without restraint! Yes, exactly, Brother Bramble! You understand perfectly!"

▶ Panel 4 — THE FINAL FAREWELL

[The animals collect their belongings and depart. Xi-27 stands at the camp entrance — a gap between two trees marked by a sign reading "EXIT (LOYALLY)" — and waves to each one as they pass. Lady Ferret's porters fold her deck chair and carry it away. Fizz bounces off down the path talking to herself about badge storage systems. Midge and Podge disappear into the treeline as one unit. Colonel Hoot sweeps away with his Thinking Chair perch under one wing. Bramble is last. He pauses at the exit.]

BRAMBLE [to Xi-27, quietly — and for the first and only time in the chapter, not heard by anyone else]: "Same time next year?"

PANDA XI-27 [with enormous warmth]: "Same time next year, Brother Bramble."

▸ Narrator Caption

Bramble clanked off down the path — he was still wearing six of his seventeen badges; he'd grown oddly fond of them — and Xi-27 watched until the last clank faded into the trees. Behind him, the camp banner finished its long, slow descent and settled gently into the grass. The Loyalty Soup of Unity, standing alone in the centre of the clearing, tilted once in a light breeze. Its small flag fluttered. Its needle pointed, steadfastly, at MEDIUM. And Xi-27 was already writing the programme for next year.

📝 Deputy Dung — Official Camp Record, Final Entry

"CLOSING CEREMONY: FLAWLESS. DIPLOMAS WORDED PERFECTLY. COLONEL HOOT DELIVERED GRADUATION POEM THAT MADE EVERYONE CRY (CONFIRMED: POEM WAS VERY GOOD POEM). MIDGE (BOTH OF THEM) RECEIVED TWENTY DIPLOMAS. BRAMBLE GAVE ROUSING ACCEPTANCE SPEECH. LOYALTY SOUP OF UNITY READ 'MAXIMUM' AT CEREMONY END. XI-27 WAVED UNTIL ALL ANIMALS INVISIBLE. CAMP: COMPLETE SUCCESS. NO EVENTS OF ANY UNUSUAL NATURE OCCURRED THIS WEEK. SIGNED: D. DUNG (DEPUTY, OFFICIAL, ACCURATE)."

📈 Running Gag Tracker — FINAL TOTALS (Chapter Four)

Gag

Chapter Total

Series Total*

Clipboard Explosions (Xi-27)

Bramble Whispers Heard by Everyone

Wrong Document Readings by Colonel Hoot

Fizz Badges Earned for Wrong Reason

3 [debut chapter]

Deputy Dung Inaccurate Official Records

Lady Ferret Loopholes Found

Loyalty Meter Malfunctions

7 [debut chapter]

*Series totals include Chapters One through Four. The Loyalty Meter and Fizz join the running gag programme from this chapter forward.

♦ EPILOGUE

What happened after camp. A brief accounting.

▸ Caption

FIZZ went home with twenty-three badges (officially), two badges she invented herself, a commendation ribbon, a diploma she framed immediately, seventeen notebooks now completely full, and the memory of the Badge Administration Excellence award, which she considers morally present even in its physical absence. She has already begun preparing for next year. She has a spreadsheet. She has two spreadsheets. One of the spreadsheets is about the first spreadsheet.

▸ Caption

BRAMBLE returned home wearing six badges, none of which he wanted and all of which he kept. His nephew asked what camp was like. Bramble said: "Loud. Organised in the way that a cloud is organised." His nephew did not understand this. Bramble felt this was appropriate. He has been whisper-reviewed by four woodland publications as "the woodland's most inadvertently public inner monologue." He considers this neither compliment nor insult. He considers it accurate.

▸ Caption

THE LOYALTY SOUP OF UNITY — formerly the Loyalty Meter — was left at camp when Lady Ferret, on her way out, paused, turned, and looked at it for a long moment. Two weeks later it appeared in the corner of her garden, positioned beside a large fern, tagged with a small cream card in her handwriting reading "Quirky Ornament (Provenance: Woodland)." It reads MEDIUM in her garden. It has always read MEDIUM. She finds this oddly peaceful. She has not told anyone.

▸ Caption

DEPUTY DUNG published the Official History of Camp Evermore Loyal (Chapter Four) three days after the event. It is forty-seven pages long. It contradicts every recorded event of the week in specific, enthusiastic, and internally consistent ways. In Deputy Dung's history, the camp was attended by two hundred animals, the Loyalty Meter read MAXIMUM LOYALTY throughout, and Bramble gave a keynote address that moved three animals to happy tears. Xi-27 declared it "the finest historical document in the woodland" and had it framed. It has been framed and hung in the camp's permanent archive, which is a tree hollow.

▸ Caption

COLONEL HOOT has still not retrieved his glasses. He has located a new document to carry at all times, which he describes as "a supplementary loyalty text." It is a takeaway menu from a river otter's riverside café. He has read from it authoritatively on four occasions since camp. The otter's Daily Special has been described as "the foundational principle of woodland unity." The otter is flattered but confused.

▸ Caption

MIDGE & PODGE — nobody in the woodland can now confirm, with certainty, which one is Midge and which is Podge. Their families have reached different conclusions. An informal survey was attempted but abandoned when both moles answered to both names with equal readiness, then swapped seats during the survey, and the surveyor had to go and lie down. The one diploma they share hangs on a wall in their shared home. Under it, in two different handwritings, is written: "Certifiably Something. — M. & P. (or P. & M.)"

▸ Final Caption

And PANDA XI-27 stood in the empty clearing for a while after everyone left. He straightened the EXIT sign between the two trees. He picked up three stray badges and placed them neatly on the table. He looked at the Loyalty Soup of Unity's empty post for a moment — just a moment — and then looked up at the woodland around him, at the tall trees and the evening light coming through the leaves, and he nodded once, with quiet satisfaction, the way you nod when something has gone exactly as planned even though, by any external measure, it hasn't. Then he sat down at his table, opened a fresh clipboard (he had three spares), and wrote at the top of a clean page: CHAPTER FIVE — CAMP EVERMORE LOYAL, YEAR TWO. NOTES AND IMPROVEMENTS. Improvement Number One: More bamboo. He underlined it twice. He was very happy.

► Coming Next in the Xi-27 Woodland Satire Series

CHAPTER FIVE: “THE LOYALTY NEWSLETTER (AND WHY IT EXPLODED)”

Following the triumph of Camp Evermore Loyal, Xi-27 announces that the woodland deserves its own official publication: The Loyal Leaf — A Newsletter of Loyalty For Loyal Animals, By Loyal Animals, About Loyalty (And Occasionally Other Topics If They Are Sufficiently Loyal).

The Editorial Team:

DEPUTY DUNG — Lead Writer, Reporter, and Editor-in-Chief. His first draft is forty pages and contains no verifiable facts. He is very proud of it.
COLONEL HOOT — Editor. Has not read a single piece submitted to him. Has, however, made very authoritative margin notes in red ink on a completely different document. He believes this is the same thing.
FIZZ — Delivery Service and Distribution Coordinator. Has designed an eleven-point delivery route. Has also designed four backup routes. One of the backup routes goes through a river.
BRAMBLE — Reluctant Advice Columnist. Did not agree to this. His first column, submitted under protest, reads in its entirety: "Dear Readers: I don't know. — Bramble." Xi-27 calls it "a masterclass in epistolary restraint."
LADY FERRET — Society Column Contributor. Nobody asked for this column. She submitted it anyway, along with a note explaining that it was, per footnote twelve, technically a news item of public interest, and that she is technically the public.

The newsletter will be published. It will reach some of the woodland. It will be remembered. The reasons it will be remembered are not the reasons anyone expected.

Running Gag Tracker starts at zero. The clipboard starts at full capacity. Bramble starts at maximum reluctance. The woodland, as always, does not know what is coming.

THE XI-27 WOODLAND SATIRE SERIES | CHAPTER FOUR: LOYALTY CAMP

Script & Storyboard Companion • All-Ages Graphic Novel Edition

“A loyal heart is worth a thousand acorns. Also this document. Please keep it loyally.” — P. Xi-27

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